totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
