I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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