I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
