She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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