Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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