Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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(630): But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino http://tfl.nu/qzo5

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!

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(715): HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/1izj

Replies (23) Good night (3943) Bad night (798)
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(303): View more from Colorado

dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

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(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here http://tfl.nu/onu8

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you. http://tfl.nu/g8rz

Replies (4) Good night (3794) Bad night (1097)
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(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

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(517): the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into. http://tfl.nu/bckk

Replies (14) Good night (2955) Bad night (1806)
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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl

Replies (8) Good night (6009) Bad night (1020)
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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(843): Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks.... (843): I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one... http://tfl.nu/xuml

Replies (12) Good night (3971) Bad night (796)
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(480): View more from Arizona

oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

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(480): oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund http://tfl.nu/xo4q

Replies (6) Good night (2873) Bad night (795)
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(250): View more from British Columbia

In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.

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(250): In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room. http://tfl.nu/ux5e

Replies (2) Good night (2554) Bad night (803)
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(214): View more from Texas

He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.

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(214): He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am. http://tfl.nu/wn9t

Replies (4) Good night (2137) Bad night (737)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"

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(715): He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl" http://tfl.nu/l2de

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(507): I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache http://tfl.nu/4l2z

Replies (5) Good night (523) Bad night (1082)
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(734): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.

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(734): I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play. http://tfl.nu/5k4o

Replies (6) Good night (1182) Bad night (441)
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(713): View more from Texas

I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.

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(713): I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/unpl

Replies (4) Good night (782) Bad night (278)
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(208): View more from Idaho

Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.

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(208): Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering. http://tfl.nu/ya1u

Replies (5) Good night (786) Bad night (317)

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