you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
