Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
