Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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