My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
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Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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