I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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