Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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