You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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