Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
