I'm jealous of your bromance
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
