upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
