Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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