Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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