So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
