hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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