why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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