turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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