moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
