he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
