I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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