i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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