hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My bed smells like the plague
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
