shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am mentally ready for anal.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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