I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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