dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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