hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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