Betty ford says i'm here all night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
