If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
