Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
