those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
