Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
