My room smells like vodka and shame
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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