her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize
