farters have to be the big spoon...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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