I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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