On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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