I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
