I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
