At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
