just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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