i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
