me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
