So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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