you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
