I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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