i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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