I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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