I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
