I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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