Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
