dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
