Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
