Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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